What happens when Grief knocks on your door...
When we get hit hard in life it often comes with grief and trauma. We are a collection of all the experiences we have had in our lives. When someone we know is hurting, our feeling of empathy for them comes from our own understanding of what it feels like to be hurting. Physically our bodies take us back to a moment in our lives where we have experienced our own great grief and trauma. These two terms share space with each other. Grief and trauma arrive in the moment of surrender when we realize that we cannot change the circumstances we are facing. What is grief? It is the response to a major loss that produces great sadness, anger, guilt, and despair. What is trauma? It is a physical or emotional response to a stressful event that can cause long-term damage. We can't separate them.
Our initial shock brings awareness to the understanding we can not change what has happened or is happening. That is where the surrender is. It is out of our hands. We may attempt to stop or change what is happening if we think we can, but ultimately we have to surrender.
When my husband was in the throes of alcohol addiction which ultimately took his life, I remember thinking many times that this wasn't something I could skip out on the experience. I couldn't avoid what was happening. I couldn't climb over it and I couldn't go around it. I had to walk through it.
If we can step back we can begin to recognize that all of our reactions are normal. Grief and trauma do not come with a guide that gives us the "how to get over it." We are more comfortable with initial responses where grief tends to take the major role. Tears and sadness are expected and we all have shared experiences in that emotional response. It is the lesser-known symptoms and reactions that are harder to understand. The physical symptoms, headaches, stomach issues, sleeplessness, or the emotional responses of increased anxiety, hypervigilance, depression, guilt, or acting as if nothing at all is wrong. These are the symptoms that many don't recognize as related to grief and trauma even when they are experiencing them. And these are the symptoms that can last for a very long time.
So today whether you are the one who is experiencing great grief and trauma at this time or an empathic friend, neighbor, or bystander who is also experiencing feelings from a deep-down remembrance of a time in your life when you were the one suffering, remember we all experience grief and trauma differently. What can you do to help? A friend told me what helped her in her time of sorrow, what was most helpful was when someone was gentle and compassionate, acknowledged their deep loss and expressed sorrow that they were going through this experience. Sometimes that is all they need in the moment. And also remember to be gentle and compassionate with yourself as this may also be bringing up emotions you haven't felt in a long time.
Peace and Love,
Bernadette
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